And I'm Really Confused
by AeriaGloriis
Summary: Grimmjow is the yin to my yang. Kind of like the lighter to my cigarette. Heh, yeah, and any other lame, simile-like comparisons. He completes. I know that may sound kinda... mushy, kinda homo, but he gets me. Like no one else can. And recently, he's been getting to me, in more than a few ways.
1. Chapter 1

Admin deleted my story :( I think it was for the potty word in my old summary. I didn't even know you couldn't do that lol! *goes to reread FFnet rules and guidelines*

Anyways, I loved writing this too much to not re-post it. So here!

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

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Grimmjow is the yin to my yang. The lighter to my cigarette (if I smoked, of course). He's the ebony to my ivory; peanut butter to my jelly; uh, lyrics to all my songs? Heh, yeah. And any other gay, simile-like shit you can come up with.

He's my soul mate in a completely heterosexual fashion. My heterosexual life partner, I guess you could say. You know. Like Jay and Silent Bob in those classic stoner American movies.

In other words, we're close. A cross your middle and index finger together type of close. Have been for a while. Since sixth grade.

Back then, at the beginning of the year, I didn't know who he was. Just some new transfer student with outrageous hair and one who had a common enemy with me.

Oichigawa Ryuu. Fucker always was fucking with anyone and everyone who stuck out just the tiniest bit. And it was over the stupidest shit. Grades higher than his, better at sports, better _looking_ than him, or just different. I.e., me and Grimmjow especially.

It was a day where Oichigawa planned to beat me up after school that we first meet. Ryuu was always doing little petty stuff to bully me around. He'd steal my books and dump them in the school fountain, tie my shoelaces together, trip me, push me, shove me as he walked passed. Little shit that I could for the most part ignore. I'd glare at him, give him a few choice words and be on my way. But that day, he wanted a fight.

And if you know me now, you know that I'll kick anyone's ass that needs to be kicked, no problem. But back then, it was two years at best after my mother died. I'd quit going to karate and usually kept to myself. I was a loner 'round that time. Still beating myself up over her death and still pretty damn depressed.

See, from an early age my parents engraved in me the meaning of my name. No, it has nothing to do with the goddamn fruit. It's 'number one' or 'safeguard'. One who protects. And that's what I wanted to do; protect. Protect my mom and my sisters, my dad too. The whole damn family, cause I thought I was destined to, with a name like that.

But, apparently not. I couldn't save mom from that stray bullet that pierced her chest as she shielded _me_, protected _me._ _I_ was supposed to do that, not her. So that's why I quit the dojo, that's how my mom died. Doing to me what I was training, _meant,_ to do for to her. And that's why I was utterly fucking not amused and completely riled when Ooichigawa said he wanted a fight. Stirred up unpleasant feelings and memories I wanted to keep buried and hidden. Regardless of whether I was fending off someone for _my_ sake or protecting someone else, it just… I just didn't like it. It just didn't sit well with me.

Anyways, I veered. Back on topic.

The bastard bully of the school'd apparently had enough of me and wanted to fight after classes. I knew it was gonna be a bullshit fight. He'd have his lame lackeys there to help him while I had no one. It'd be completely unfair, four or five against one, but I almost didn't care.

As the day progressed word about the fight did too. Kids would give me furtive glances in the hall, whisper about me, point. I didn't care bout that either. I planned to meet up with Oichigawa but I wasn't so sure I wanted to fight him, regardless of all the shit he put me through. But I was going, I wasn't just gonna run home like some punk.

So at the end of the day I walked to the black-top behind the school with a small crowd trailing me. My head was down and my hands were stuffed in my pockets so I didn't see what everyone was screaming about when I walked up. I looked up fully after a minute or so when I heard Oichigawa's voice. Immediately my eyes locked with another blue, blue stare right over Ryuu's shoulder. Transfer student Grimmjow Jaegerjaques' eyebrows were drawn together in a confused frown and I felt my face mirroring his. I pulled my eyes away from him and saw Ryuu between us, talking, and a bundle of students making a circle around the three of us. I quickly noted some of Oichigawa's hangers-on at the edges of the circle. I scoffed inwardly. Yeah, figures.

When I turned my attention back to Ryuu and heard what he was saying, I was incensed and extremely indignant. Come to find out he'd told both of us, me and Grimmjow, to be there; that he'd whip the both of us without a problem. At the same time. He'd do it easily, he said. He'd down me and Jaegerjaques without breaking a sweat, because we were nothing, worthless and weak he said and he laughed. And he looked so cocky and his words were so goddamn arrogant and… and _belittling. _I instantly felt white hot anger flare up inside. Like I could be taken down so easily. I briefly looked back to Grimmjow. His face was pissed and disgusted. Like either of us could.

As Oichigawa soaked up the crowd of on-lookers laughter my gaze strayed to Grimmjow again. The anger and disgust had faded from his face as a wicked grin took it's place. He raised his hand, cracked his knuckles and he was gone before I could even open my mouth.

A dull sound, like the sound you'd expect a five pound bag of flour hurtling into skin and flesh was heard. Everything got quiet, but then the second punch was thrown and the resurgence of the crowd was almost deafening

Grimmjow got in four straight blows before Oichigawa could even react. I was frozen solid, just watching.

"Fucking bastard!" he said as he caught Oichigawa with a mean right-hook.

Not long after Ryuu's buddies jumped in the fray. And things were moving so fast. Things were quickly escalating, but I was still froze. Still just watching, forgetting all about the fact that I was supposed to be in there too.

As I looked at Grimmjow's shit-crazed and deranged smile spreading across his face, I knew there was nothing I could protect him from or help him with. And watching as he swiftly dodged and fought back with Oichigawa and his friends, I was fucking certain. But amidst all the screaming students surrounding us, I was locked and keyed in on Grimmjow. It was obvious that he had formal training in martial arts. And some of his moves were so familiar. Moves that I'd tried out with sensei at the dojo but never mastered quite well before I quit.

My body was humming with awareness and life as I watched on, something I hadn't felt for those two years since moms passing. Buzzing with adrenaline and I hadn't even done anything yet.

And Grimmjow was screaming out taunts and insults left, right, and center. "C'mon bitch! That all you got?"

He'd say something different each time he downed one. "Goddamn, you punch like a real pussy!" I had the childish urge to cover my ears from some of the words that escaped his mouth. I'd very rarely heard someone use such vulgar language. I mean, we were sixth graders, twelve years old for Chrissake!

But Grimmjow cursed like a sailor and fought like someone that'd been born to, and I couldn't take my eyes off him. He ducked and threw punches, kneed guts and elbowed ribs. He moved so fluidly, he injured them with such effortlessness and he did it with the widest and most exhilarated grin on his face. When he got beat to the ground he'd get right back up, still smirking and laughing with such wild abandonment. His nose was bleeding and his lip was cut and swollen but he looked like he was having the time of his life. That smirk, that smile, that grin never wavered.

A movement to the far left caught my attention. Some random lackey. He had an object in his hand, a brick, and was easing his way towards the center of the tousle where Grimmjow was kneeling on someone and twisting their arm at a grotesque angle. He twisted and pulled and the pop was heard over all the yelling and screaming. Grimmjow grunted and applied a little more pressure, teeth bared in an aggressive and almost scary smirk. But he didn't see the guy. The lackey with the brick. He stood over that head of blue hair, red brick raised, ready to crash it over his skull. My heart skipped a beat and it was hard to swallow.

That - that brick could do serious damage. If it hit the right spot or a certain amount of force was applied, it could kill him. What was a sprained arm, a dislocated shoulder, bruises, cuts and black eyes compared to a potentially fatal blow to the head?

A gun shot resounds through my mind. Her bright, sunny hair and strangled cry. The redness seeping through her sundress… I took off, as fast as I could, before it was too late. Too late like it was the last time.

The kid was on the ground, brick forgotten, before I even knew what's going on again. I looked up from the kid on the ground and my eyes found light blue. Grimmjow looked at me and grinned. But it wasn't crazed, or scary, or wild. It was normal and_ grateful. _Made my ears burn with a warm heat. I turned my head away.

But, long story short, that's how we met.

When it was all over Grimmjow'd taken down four or five guys while I only handled two. When it was all over I lent a hand to him and he got shakily to his feet; thanked me. He grinned at me one more time, slapped a strong hand on my back and limped off.

I stood there awhile. The rest of the class had fucked off and it was quiet, 'cept for the occasional groan from the beat-up boys around me. I stood there and watched as Grimmjow's hobbling figure disappeared from sight, reluctant to leave before it had.

That afternoon, I felt more awake than I had in days. More alive than I had in years.

And that's how it all began too.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or the Korn song _Beat It Upright_

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So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just confused. Because most guys, just at the thought of judging another dude on their looks or anything like that, would balk up and get all macho manly and I-don't-look-at-other-guys-like-that-what-the-hell-is-your-problem. But I find myself looking at Grimmjow (like that) and noticing stuff (like that), stuff that I probably shouldn't notice about another man. That, and the fact that I'm not disturbed that I have such thoughts about my best friend, who is a guy, just confirms it for me. Confirms said confusion.

I've never been… attracted the same sex. It's not like I woke up on some day when I was just starting puberty and was like 'you know what? I think I'll like girls'. That's not how it works. It's not how it happened. I'm just attracted to girls. Have always been. But something about Grimmjow…

I've always been, uh, drawn to him. Been like that forever. But he's my best friend, right? I mean, it's natural, for me to want to be around him. He gets me like no one else does. Aside from my family, he's the only one that I can be two-hundred percent completely myself around. And who doesn't want to surround themselves with people like that?

And I like to think it's the same for him. Grimmjow's loud and brash, impulsive and insensitive; he can be a real dick and so assholic sometimes. And yeah, that's him, through and through, but it's not all that's to him. Mostly what other people see; it's all he shows them. He's so much more three dimensional than what he seems. So many sides that are rarely ever seen. I feel special, lucky, privileged that I know him on such a deeper level than anyone else.

But sometimes I don't even count myself all that lucky. I know everything there is to know about him. Even the shit I wouldn't want to know about _anyone,_ let alone my best friend; someone that I spend the majority of my time around and have to look in the face on a daily basis. And some of the other things he's told me or that I know about him are just almost baffling.

On a particular day full of revelations and exposés Grimmjow told me something that really shouldn't be all that bewildering, but was just the same. We were hanging out in my room, sitting on the floor leaning against my bed, just chilling to some music. Me and him had recently gotten really into different American rock and metal bands. His favorite is Korn while I'm more partial to Metallica. We still get into heated debates on why whose favorite is the best.

He'd brought over some Korn CD and we were listening to that when this one particularly lewd song came on, one that he seems to love. I rolled my eyes. When we first got into our American rock and metal kick we spent hours at each others house, blaring the music that we could find and looking up the lyrics to each song. Cause, I mean, neither one of us is that much of a scholar in English class. And I remember when we first looked this one up and found a good translation. I had blushed so hard while he just turned to me with a lecherous grin on his face, proclaiming that that song was 'his type of shit'.

But that day as Korn's _Beat It Upright_ rang throughout my room, Grimmjow was drumming out the beat on his drawn up knees and mouthing along to the lyrics as best he could.

_Are you ready for a good pounding baby? (get down)_

_Are you ready to get it on? (get down, get down)_

_Don't pretend you're not fucking freaky baby. (get down)_

_I will spank that ass just for fun (get down, on the ground)_

When the chorus ended he turned to me with a lazy kind of half smile on his face and nodded towards my stereo 'Y'know Kurosaki, I've only really done it with one girl. Once.'

I still don't know why that had shocked me so deeply. We're only nineteen now, and at that time we were eighteen. Not like we were twenty-five and he was telling me he was still a virgin. But knowing that Grimmjow, _the_ Grimmjow Jaegerjaques, had only screwed _one girl _just, well, threw me for a loop. Ever since that fight in sixth grade girls had been showing him more and more interest, and after we went to high school they were pretty much throwing themselves at him. And he'd flirt around with them too, I saw him.

I know the look on my face showed my incredulity and he must have recognized it too. The smirk slowly slipped off his face and he went back to staring at my wall blankly. He shrugged. I remember his words perfectly.

'Yeah, I know, it's surprising. But that one time, it… it felt, somehow, wrong. I don't know if it was _her_ or, or what. Sure I was hard, and yeah, she got me off, but afterwards and during it I felt… nothing. Aren't you supposed to feel _something? _The thought of her or seeing her wasn't what made my dick brick. It's what she did with it. And, well, after that time, I never really got the urge to do it again.'When he was done he looked at me with intense and meaningful eyes, like he expected me to figure out why he felt that way. But I couldn't answer for him, so I just shrugged my shoulders too.

That conversation was the cause of so many late night wanderings my mind took me on. Grimmjow stopping something because it was wrong, and or felt wrong… knowing that he wasn't hooking up with all the girls that always seemed willing enough to get with him… hell, realizing that I'd had more sex than him… All of it kind of, really bothered me. I mean, Grimmjow, overly sexual and indecent Grimmjow…

And the words that he spoke to me that day, I know why I remember them so well. Because, really, it's how I feel whenever I have sex. I understood what he meant completely. I always feel oddly detached to the whole thing. My mind solely on the sensations at hand, because if not, I won't come, can hardly get a rise.

Fuck it, I don't know.

Still, when I think about it, I'm still somewhat perplexed. His appearance alone could guarantee him a slew bed partners for life. I know he said that it's the whole _feeling_ thing but, I don't get it. Shit like that's never stopped Grimmjow from dong anything. And that seems to be the only thing that is. He's still got girls flocking around him and he still teases and flirts back with them. It's just.. all weird to me. Like I said, I'm not one of those guys that gets all uncomfortable about judging another male on their appearance, and, well, I can look at Grimmjow and appreciate his looks. And it's damned obvious that the female populous can see what I can too, probably more so.

Which brings me around, full circle, to my earlier thoughts on how I've begun to slowly… notice Grimmjow in that way. He's almost otherworldly in how, well, good looking he is. I always thought he was easy on the eyes, even early on in our friendship, before we even met, actually. His looks- he's striking, exotic, and… breathtaking. Literally. Two occasions come to mind where my breath literally caught while looking at him. One just three or so weekends ago actually. He was, well, for lack of a better word, beautiful to me, in that moment. And the memory's still so vivid...

**-Flashback-**

"_C'mon Kurosaki! You're moving like my damn grandma!"_

_Me, Grimmjow and a handful of other guys from school were playing a late game of soccer. Kinda traditional. We did it every Sunday since middle school. Just as the summer heated days cooled off is when we'd meet, 'round eight o'clock. No matter the weather conditions, we all tried to be there._

_It was half past eight when we started and not ten minutes later it started raining. Torrentially. The rain fell hard and heavy, never letting up the whole time we were out. We all just laughed and went on. Wasn't the first time we'd got caught in a downpour and for some reason, some childish reason, the game always seemed more enjoyable, more fun in the rain. Splashing in puddles, kicking water into each others faces as we stole the ball, just fooling around and acting like the big eighteen and nineteen year old kids we were - it was damn fun._

_Grimmjow, Hisagi, Ulquiorra and myself were on one team while Renji headed another. I was running along the redhead, trying to trip him up and steal the ball. He was having none of it. Renji'd always been a beast at all sports and was damn aggressive too._

"_Kurosaki! Goddamn if you make us lose…" I heard Grimmjow yell out to me, leaving the threat open. I scoffed as I tried to keep up with Abarai. Fuck him. I wasn't the only one playing. _

_I tried harder anyway. I always did stupid shit to somehow make him happy, to please him any stupid little way. Kind of pathetic but it was always subconsciously. _

_My foot dipped in, trying for another steal cause we were coming up close to the make-shift goal. I bit my lip, totally concentrated, and actually got it. Renji cursed as he stumbled and I went in for a quick steal, turned around and zipped down the small playing field._

"_Fuck yeah! Suck it Abarai!" Grimmjow hollered, running up beside me and glancing back, laughing as he looked at Renji slipping and sliding as he tried to get up from the wet ground. As he turned back my eyes caught his and that's when it happened. My throat constricted and that heat invaded me. You know, the one you get from seeing something surprising and pleasing and totally unexpected? It was that, that same rush… _

_His eyes, always bright and oddly beautiful, really… struck me at that moment. They were almost glowing, shining, and so deep; full of amusement and something that seemed almost mysterious along with that. Weird, cause I know everything there is to know about him. _

_It was more than weird, like time stood still around us while me and him were stuck in slow-mo. Water ran down his face, catching on the tip of his nose and dripping down. His nose was red. His lips were slightly parted and a very light pink, almost pale. Then I remembered, it was cold. The temperature had dropped with the rain. Those pale lips, parted in a silent laugh that I couldn't hear. The rushing of blood in my ears was too loud._

_His lips were moving now, so slowly but I couldn't focus. His lips were moving but those goddamn eyes, so fucking blue; brilliant. And I thought to myself, 'that's beautiful'. Totally unabashed and unashamed, cause that's how I felt at that moment. My breath caught._

_But then my foot caught too. I slipped, fell flat on my face and the spell broke. Grimmjow howled with laughter and my knee throbbed where it collided with the ground. That brief moment shattered, the game ended and we all left the park; I hobbled home and life went on._

**-End Flashback-**

I never thought about it again till now. Like, _seriously_ thought about it. That image would flash through my mind briefly and annoyingly at the most irritating moments. Those eyes, those pale but full lips, his wet hair limp against his forehead as water seemed to run in tiny rivulets down his face, the… the goddamn startling _blueness _of everything about him. I mean, no one should ever have such exotic coloring, with such an _intensity_. It's like I saw him for the first time then, or was just really noticing him.

I remember how the blood was rushing through my veins, singing. The heat had invaded my face and my body. My heart was racing but I somehow didn't think it was from the soccer.

The weirdest shit ever.

And even now, though I don't try to push those thoughts outta my head, I just feel damned fucking _weird_ thinking like that. I'm no homophobe. I couldn't give an eff what people do with their lives. It's none of my effin business, but it's different when it's _you_. It's different when you realize that _you_ aren't on the same straight and narrow path you always thought you were on. Goddamn different when you can't get the image of your best friends soaked hair, red nose and flushed cheeks, smiling and laughing lips, his blue, blue eyes outta your head.

So I'll stick with the terms like _conflicted _and _confused,_ cause it's so much more easier to handle, you know? And it's something… I think I can deal with.

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**A/N:** This story is complete, beginning to end. I'll update once a day... if I can remember..._  
_

Thank you for the reviews and favs :)


	3. Chapter 3

I forgot about updating, as I figured I would.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

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Ok. Fuck _confused _and_ conflicted_. That's not what I am, not at all. I'm goddamn concerned is what I am.

Cause shits getting weirder and weirder. Awkward and, and yeah, confusing, but Jesus. This? Seriously?

I thought I could deal, I really did. But maybe I was wrong. Hell, I know I was wrong, with the way I freaked. But that moment… it - I just, I don't know. It scared me. It scared me and I can admit that. Scared me in it's intensity. So intense… And the fact that I didn't really mind that it was happening. Shit, that I _wanted_ it to happen. Yes,I wanted it to happen, and that scares me. It scares me and excites me.

God.

Whose thought process is completely and totally fucked?

I take it back, what I said earlier. I am confused. So thoroughly and entirely confused. Still conflicted. Add concerned, too. Just a lovely, helter-skelter, shitload of emotions. But let me explain myself. Let me tell you why.

~_**FLASHBACK~**_

It was a miserably hot day.

No one was out on the streets 'cept us. No kids out playing, barely any cars on the roads; shit, I could hardly find a squirrel. So hot, that if you looked down the street at the asphalt, the ground would waver in the distance, making it look like there were puddles. Grimmjow, hyped up on Mountain Dew and candy, would jog up to each mirage-puddle-thingy and attempt to jump into them, then get fake-pissed that it never worked out. I just laughed and handed him more candy. He acts practically intoxicated when on a sugar high. Always hilarious. He's such a dumbass.

But we ran out of candy soon enough and he was coming down from his 'high', slowing down and becoming irritable and sluggish. Plus, it was _hot. _Had to be in the upper 90s, if not 100s. Hot as shit but neither one of us wanted to head home, and he didn't want to go indoors at all, like I did.

"C'mon Kurosaki. Quit being a lazy bitch. We're always sittin' on our asses in your house or my house, someone else's house or somewhere else. I'm tired of it. And I wanna get out today, dammit." he'd said.

I had yelled and asked if he was fucking insane and did he _feel_ the sweat pouring from his face and soaking his light t-shirt, cause I sure as hell could see it. He laughed and turned to me.

And then it happened again.

I was reminded of that time in the rain. Our soccer game and that moment between us, where time slowed and stilled, to where only the two of us mattered. A moment that probably only I felt.

There were subtle differences. His hair was wet and not in it's usual messy, gelled, disarrayed masterpiece; limp and plastered to his forehead - like last time. Sweat slid down his face instead of the rain running steadily down it - kind of like last time. That same weird mix of amusement and mystery hung about him; totally visible in his eyes - the same as last time. And his face was lightly flushed all over, not just over his cheekbones as it had been that day in the rain - almost like last time. But his mouth… quirked up in a half smirk that did strange things to my stomach while I looked at him.

_Just like last time_.

I felt my breath catch as he turned to me, _still_ turned to me (why was it taking so long?). I could feel myself flush but could hardly be bothered with caring. Grimmjow's eyes, they seemed to speak to me; as crazy as that sounds… Just, they dazzled me. Seemed to take the air right from my lungs as everything ran in slow-mo again. His lips were parting, as if to speak, but in supersonic _slowness_. I remember thinking, 'this weird shit is happening again'. I remember thinking 'this is crazy'. 'Breathtaking', too.

"Sweat looks good on me."

I almost jumped and garbled out what was sure to be an incoherent 'huh', but then I remembered. We were just arguing about the heat. He wanted to stay outside while I didn't. I told him he was crazy and obviously sweating balls.

And it was so _crazy_ how only a few seconds had passed from when I told him that. Cause when I was looking at him and realizing the extreme déjà vu-ness of the rainy day and that day, the _hot_ day, it felt like time had either stopped or an eternity had passed as I stared at him.

I turned my head to the side to mask my expression, and to get away from his ever widening smirk. The blush, I could blame on the heat, cause it _was_ hot as sin, and I know my face was already flushed before he… looked at me like that. But the way my body reacted, I felt as if I had to hide it, though there was no way he could have known how my heartbeat sped up, or how my stomach felt like it just dropped right out of me.

Hiding the fact that I had never agreed with him on anything more, I scoffed and told him he was an idiot. But I followed him anyway, to wherever the hell he was leading us. Like some stupid dog. Cause I always did shit like that for him. Sacrificing my own wants and comfort in favor of his. Just to appease him, or to get him to shut up.

The last part, it's what I tell myself. Cause I just want him to shut up…

After ten or so minutes, we were passing a park; deserted. I took him by the arm and steered him inside, expecting some sort of uproar from him on how he did not want to be there or for me to let him the fuck go, but he stayed quite.

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We ended up on the swings first, seeing who could go the highest and debating on whether you could or could not swing all the way around the bar. He claimed you could.

"Yes the fuck you can, Kurosaki." he growled, getting pissed that I kept saying no. At least not without seriously injuring yourself, I finally amended, growing irritated myself with the damn stupid argument.

"Whatever" he scoffed.

...

Next we went to the merry-go-round. We had laid on our backs, using our feet to push us 'round and 'round. The heat seemed to be a thing of the past. Still stifling, but I hardly noticed it at that point. Just looking up at the impossibly blue and cloudless sky made me uncomfortable. The sky was so blue, so pretty, practically Grimmjow's color blue. It made me grimace and shift around uneasily as I tried to forget about that earlier awkwardness with him.

It was strangely silent in the park too. The quietness was unnerving. There's never quietness when Grimmjow is around. Ever. Unless he's sleeping. I turned to my side to see him laying across from me, eyes closed. I wondered if he _was_ asleep.

Didn't matter if he wasn't.

I couldn't look away from him.

And I was focused on the oddest details. The rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. The curve of his nose. That tiny mole he has on the left side of his chin. The length of his lashes, and how they were black, not blue.

"Whatcha lookin' at Kurosaki?"

I nearly knocked myself out on the bars as I jerked up. His eyes were still closed but a small, crooked smile was on his lips.

I stuttered out a pathetic sounding 'nothing' and got up, not wanting to look at him anymore.

"Oh. So I'm nothing now, am I?" I heard him call out to my back as I walked off. I told him to shut the fuck up (under my breath), cursing myself for staying out in this heat for so long, going along with whatever Grimmjow wanted, cause obviously I was having an adverse effect to the high temperature. It was messing with my head. Making me do, think, and feel crazy shit.

I bit on my lower lip, noticing Grimmjow's silent footsteps following me.

* * *

The last place we ended up at was the jungle-gym.

It was a kind of domed shaped jungle-gym, rounded at the top, but there were large openings at either end. A large enough space that kids could walk under it, reach up and use the set as monkey bars if they choose to swing from bar to bar.

Grimmjow had climbed to the top and just sat, legs dangling between the rails. I went to one of the sides where the openings were and everything felt so nostalgic. I grabbed the warm metal and leaned back, bringing my legs up to the same bar, hooking them around so that my upper body swung free. Mom used to take me to the same park where I would get on the same monkey bars and swing from them the same way.

I smiled and closed my eyes, just swinging gently and not caring that gravity pulled my shirt down my body some, exposing my stomach and back to the world. Who cared? It was painfully hot and no kids around for me to worry about my slight indecency. My hair almost touched the ground cause I was so tall. I didn't care about that either. Just swung there, clearing my mind of everything except mom and her memory.

I could see Grimmjow's legs in my peripheral. They swung in tune with my torso. Made me smile wider.

After another five minutes my head started getting woozy. I closed my eyes and reached my arms up, planning to dismount when a warm and sweaty palm connected with my bare side and slid up. I gasped. My eyes flew open and my legs jerked, unwinding from the bar and connecting with solid flesh on my way down. I heard cursing that wasn't my own as I fell, practically on my head. Another curse and a one hundred -sixty something pound wall of body landed on top of me, forcing the air from my lungs in a 'whoosh'.

Everything happened so fast, a blur really, if you couldn't tell from my description. I was still light headed from hanging for so long; it hurt now too, my head. I clutched at it, muttering 'ow ow ow', feeling the dirt scraping my back 'cause my shirt was still higher than it should be. I kept my eyes closed, unable to move properly. Too dazed to wonder why.

I cracked my eyes open slowly, expecting sun but getting none. My gaze locked with a blueness that I mistook for the sky for all of three seconds.

Grimmjow's face was so _close_ to mine. I can't remember ever being so near him. So near and in his face. His breath was warm, his body conformed to every part of my own. I was stunned, but not totally. My eyes darted to every part of his face and I had no idea why. His eyebrows, the high cheekbones, that mole I just noticed earlier. And god his lips; those blue, blue eyes.

I got that feeling again. The pit of my stomach seemed to vanish, something in my chest squeezed uncomfortably, but then my heart started hammering, faster and faster. I wanted to pull away from him but there was nowhere to go. My head was already pressed as hard as could be against the ground. And I could still feel his palm on my side. At my waist, a little above my hip. The realization that it was still there sent a jolt throughout all my body.

His lips parted and he took in a sharp, deep breath. I could feel it. His eyes dilated, making the bright blue even more startling and pronounced. I saw it. The hand on my waist tightened.

I should have pushed him away, screamed at him for making me fall and landing on top of me, for dragging me out on that goddamn hot day that I just know will change everything between us.

Those parted lips leaned in as his eyelids drooped slightly. He leaned in and I didn't try to stop him. I know my own eyes were wide so I don't know how I missed it, but then his lips were pressed lightly to mine.

I swear it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I can't find the words to describe it. Not really. I've tried. But it felt like I had melted through the ground. And I felt incredibly hot, so heated, but from the inside out. His mouth on mine, it began to move. I didn't respond. I was too shocked. But given another second, I know I would have. I could feel that I would have. And I couldn't have that. It freaked me out more than I'd like to say.

So I hit him. In the jaw. Hard too. Hard enough to hear a solid 'whomp'. He cursed loudly and clutched his face. I shoved him off me and was on my feet within milliseconds.

"Shit Grimm. Shit! What the fuck!" My voice cracked. I was panicked and almost hysterical sounding, even to my own ears.

I stood there, breathing hard and staring at Grimmjow's slouched figure on the ground. He just laid there too, one hand cupping his jaw where I hit and the other propping up his prone body. And his eyes were so intense as he looked at me. He wasn't scowling, he didn't curse me out for the punch and the large red spot forming that I could see even beneath his fingers, he didn't get up and try to hit me back. Just laid there, staring at me, the most beautiful and fiery gaze in the world. And damn if it wasn't worse than any other shit he could have done to me.

I wished he _would_ curse me out good. Scream at me. Be pissed with me. Fucking fight back with me. Give me a typical Grimmjow reaction. But he wasn't and he didn't. There was no anger, no malice in that blue as blue stare. I didn't like it. It did weird things to my stomach and chest.

"What the hell? You're just gonna lay there? Fucking shit Grimmjow, what's your damage!"

Fucked up on my part. I had no right to be mad at him, not really. Confused, yeah. Startled, hell yeah. But no, not mad. It's just, I just - I hated the way he was making me _feel_. I felt bad that I hit him. Upset with myself for making him look at me like that. Anxious and almost scared. He was suffocating me, with that goddamn look in his eyes. The longer I looked, the less I could breath.

But I must have found enough air within me. I bolted. Yeah, Kurosaki Ichigo. The guy whose been known to take on four and five people in one fight, no backing down, couldn't stick around long enough to figure out what the hell just happened between him and his best friend. Because of the look in his eyes. Because of the heat in my body, the tingling I felt, the butterflies.

I left him there, on the ground. He hadn't moved before I left and he hadn't made a sound. As I half walked half jogged half scrambled away, I resisted the urge to turn back to him.

_**~END FLASHBACK~**_

* * *

Thank you for the reviews and such.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

So I uh, uploaded the wrong chapter earlier... hehe. This hideous mistake was pointed out by KawaiiBerry-chan, which I thank you for lol. I'm vaguely retarded. Lo Siento.

_Here _is chapter 4.

* * *

Kurosaki is such a bitch.

And I do _not_ mean that in the nicest way possible.

In fact, I mean it in the very worse and degrading of ways. And why I'm calling him this, it's all for the stupidest damn reason.

The dickhead has been running from me, fucking _avoiding _me, for a good goddamn week. A week!

And as I said, it's all very stupid, frankly fucking childish. I mean, we're men. Nineteen year old, college attending, grown ass men. But Kurosaki. Nooo, not him. He's still this blushing, stammering little bitch that most of us have grown up from, had done so years before. And I can't believe I'm saying this (fuck it all), but I still like him.

Yeah, that stunt I pulled last week -that admittedly dumb but so fucking worth it stunt- well, let's just say it's been a long time coming. Really, it's an amazing feat -me holding out as long as I did. I see it, I want it, I have it; that's normally how it is with me, how it's always been; concerning anything, everything. But then there's Kurosaki, and suddenly my rules don't apply to him. None of them. I can't just look at him and be all like 'You, me, bed, clothes off, _now_'. I can't fucking do it, even though I want to so badly. He'd freak out. I know he would, considering our incident last Sunday. I'd literally scare the shit out of him if I did, and surprisingly, that don't sit too well with me.

I -_cough-_ care that it would bother him. And I never -_ahem_- care about anyone or any_thing_ concerning anyone. Just how it is. But fucking Kurosaki. The guy has me -_cough-_ caring and shit, thinking about another persons feelings, 'sides my own. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't like it. I borderline hate it.

If you're wondering, like, where all this shit came from, I'll fucking tell you.

Sixth grade. The start and end of it all.

The first day I remembered seeing him was when some kid who I can't even be assed with remembering was trying to fight us.

I remember owning the hell out of that kid and multiple others while Kurosaki stood to the side like some weak punk. But for some reason, I knew he wouldn't be weak. It was weird. He just gave me this feeling.

He wasn't. He beat off two or three other ones while getting hardly a scratch.

I remember when it was done, when we'd beaten every one of those kids and every one else had fucked off, he'd helped me from the ground. Up close I could see that he had a black eye forming and a bruise on his jaw. He pulled me up from the ground and I thanked him and slapped a hand on his back. The setting sun behind him gave his retarded hair a kind of golden hue. It stopped me in my tracks for a second.

I remember grinning like an idiot before I left, blood dripping from my nose onto my teeth. But as I left him, it took a minute for my heartbeat to slow down.

We got close after that but nothing changed. I thought it was damn weird that whenever he was around I would get this quickening of my heart. I didn't pay it any mind.

It didn't take me a long time to figure out that I was gay. Knew by the time I hit eighth grade. Girls just did nothing for me the way they seemed to with Abarai and Hisagi. They'd talk about how girls they liked would make them feel: jittery, excited and anxious. Shit that I'd been feeling all along, since the day I met Kurosaki. Round that time is when I knew, knew that that shit wasn't right.

I tried to get rid of them, those feelings. Using other people to get my mind off of him. The opposite sex to see if I could "cure" myself. It didn't work. Nothing works. Even as I fooled around with some random chick from school, a very _hot_ chick, it… didn't work. Even as she told me to do it to her from behind, I… thought of him.

I hated that I did think of him. I _hated_ it. It scared me. It quite frankly fucking made me _sick,_ revolted me. But I got over it, cause it just kept happening. Every time I'd try to talk to someone else, it was him keeping me from pulling through.

I never slept with anyone else since the first girl. And I stopped caring and trying to kid myself.

I liked Kurosaki Ichigo, _like_ Kurosaki Ichigo, but really who gave a shit? As long as I knew how I felt about him, did it matter? As long as no one else knew? I always figured it'd be something that only I knew I felt. I was okay with that. Shit, more than okay. I didn't _want_ anyone to know. I couldn't imagine how fucked up it would be if some one managed to find out. But, then there were things to make me wonder…

Kurosaki, he- I… I dunno. I swear there have been times where he just… looks at me. Really, it sounds dumb, but… he'll look at me in such a way that'll make me think that maybe, just maybe he… fuck, I don't know. There've been times where he's looking at me just so fucking intensely and I get so heated from that stare alone, but from the inside out, that it made me think that I wasn't the only one. That maybe, just maybe, if I was close enough, leaned in close enough, and tried to kiss him, he'd be okay with it.

But we see how acting out on dumbass gut feelings and dreams got me. Avoidance and a friend that's scared as shit that I'm gonna molest him.

There've been so many times within the past week that I want to get him alone so we can just fucking sort this thing out, even fucking just forget it ever happened, but it's nigh fucking impossible. Every time I get within hearing distance of him he pretty much just bolts. He'll very briefly glance at me, blush and stutter and be gone the next second. I haven't been able to get him alone so we can just damn _talk_ about what happened at all. And as much as I hate talking about feelings and shit, it still pisses me the hell off.

I mean, I'm no female, but I know we gotta address this. I know I shouldn't have done what I did, but, like I said, it's been a long time coming, yeah? It's just too damn _hard_ sometimes, hiding these feeling. And these feelings… sometimes I think I hate them. But when I think about who they're for, what they mean to _me_, I know there's no hate. None at all.

* * *

I'd just left my college calculus class so I was in a pretty shit mood. Math with more symbols than numbers does that to me, and the fact that it starts at _seven fucking a.m_. I was hungry on top of it, fucking tired and my best friend had been ducking a dodging me for a full-on eight days, not that I was counting. As far as I was concerned, everyone could go and get bent.

I walked down the hall staring straight ahead and hoped my expression told anyone that had plans to speak to me to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I wanted food. I wanted my bed. I could hear them calling to me.

I round a corner and see Hisagi and Abarai at a glance. Someone else is with them in a dark hoodie, hood pulled up, but I could really give a shit. Ten feet away from them I jerk my head up in silent greeting. They nod back and I move to quicken my pace so I can grab something to eat and go back to bed, but then the hoodie clad person's moving from behind them, heading past them and in my direction, past me. I glance up reflexively and catch orange underneath the dark brown hood and realize that it's the _bitch._

I look up and there's Kurosaki, looking straight at me like a deer caught in the fucking headlights. His brown eyes widened so wide that I see the whites all around them. My lip curls and I forget all about sleep and food.

"Kurosaki" I kind of growl out his name and start forward.

There's a purpose in my steps and I know he sees it. Panic flashes in his light brown eyes. My steps quicken and I snatch up the front of his hoodie before he can bolt.

"Gr- Grimmjow!" he gasps and stutters out. I don't like the way he says my name. It's too strained, too surprised. An underlying current of fear. Pisses me right the fuck off. My lip curls more.

"Yes Kurosaki, it's Grimmjow." I mock his voice in a falsetto, childishly, but we're both being damn childish I guess.

I drag him a couple of feet behind me, hearing his stumbling footfalls echo in the nearly empty halls. The few people milling around glance sideways at us but I stop that shit real quick with a hard look. Abarai and Hisagi call out to us but I ignore it. Kurosaki stays silent.

* * *

We end up in a stairwell, on a landing between the second and third floors. Kurosaki is standing up, leaning against the railing, as far away from me as possible without actually being halfway down the flight of stairs. I clench my jaw, feeling oddly fucking hurt by the distance. I scowl to myself and shrug it off, well at least try to.

I pull my body up onto the opposite railing, sitting with one foot propped up on it, knee bent, the other dangling, and just watch him.

Kurosaki's fidgeting, and it's annoying. He tries to look nonchalant, like he's not silently freaking out (and I know what a silently freaking out Kurosaki looks like; this is it), but he's doing a grand shitty job. His eyes wander, looking at any and everything that isn't me. That shit kinda stings too.

Me and Kurosaki, we've never been like this. Distant, awkward, shifty. Words I never thought would describe our relationship, to any sort of degree. It... bothers me in more ways than one that I'm doing it now.

I sigh to myself internally and look over him and don't care that he knows I'm watching. Kurosaki looks good today. Even sleep rumpled and covered in a shit colored hoodie he still looks good. I reach for my smokes and try for some convo, saying the first thing that comes to mind that people talk about when they don't know what the fuck else to say. Just anything so the awkwardness isn't so loud and ringing in my ears…

"So, nice weather we're having, eh?"

He stops fiddling with the chain attached to his belt but doesn't look up. I hear thunder rumble in the distance and glance out the window. The weather is not actually nice. Dark, gusty, threatening rain. Guess I didn't notice since I pretty much crawled to class, because, you know, it was seven o'-fucking-clock. Kurosaki nods. Guess he didn't notice either…

I clear my throat and try again.

"Did you see the game yesterday?"

I have no idea what game I'm referring to. I watched no sports, don't even know if anything came on. He just shrugs anyway and starts fiddling with the zipper to his jacket.

"That hoodie looks like someone's shit."

Insults? Normally the way to go to get a rise out of him. He doesn't even shrug, no reaction at all.

"Where's your homework for physics? I need to copy it."

Shrug this time. Still silent.

"I beat your high score on Angry Birds."

Nothing

"Your friend Inoue; she's a dumb-as-rocks, lent for brains broad."

For the record, I like Inoue. She's kind of hilarious she's so stupid. Childish, I know, but Kurosaki's protective as shit over her. They've been friends for years. Figured he'd blow up, give me some sort of verbal reaction, but…

His scowl darkens though he's still silent.

"And that Rukia bitch. She's such a self-righteous asshat with too little tits and a little person complex."

Point, aim, fire.

Random and petty as fuck, I know. Rukia's kind of a cool bitch, don't get me wrong, but they used to date back in high school. Said he was in love with her. They're still close but I know he's over that now. Still, if anything's to hit home, it'd be her.

His hand forms a tight fist in his pocket and his lip curls, but other than that…

I sigh loudly and rake a hand through my hair.

"You're being a bitch, you know that?"

Not even a flinch.

I give up.

I give up. I mean, what else can I do?

Yeah, most of what I said was some shit that most people wouldn't want to hear or entertain; the insults, the jabs at his friends. But I brought up the weather. If we can't goddamn talk about the weather and start civilized conversation about fucking weather, then what else is there? Normally me bad-mouthing his friends or insulting him is enough to at least get a damn death glare but… he doesn't even look at me.

"So it's like that, huh?"

I take a cigarette from my pack and stick it in my mouth, feeling more depressed than before, and disappointed. I thought… I thought we could at least talk. Actually, I _knew_ we could. Maybe not about that, but about other shit, normal shit. Everyday shit. But apparently not. Apparently I've kind of fucked up, and worse than I'd thought I had. Hell, at the very least I figured we could put it behind us, forget about it, pretend that kiss never happened. But, it's… looking like that ain't an option

Kurosaki still says nothing. Still doesn't look at me.

I watch as he sighs just as loudly as I had and slides his weight down the wall till he's sitting with his knees drawn up.

I shrug, feigning nonchalance even though he's not looking at me. Maybe for myself, cause I… feel so goddamn down. And at fault, which don't fucking happen. I take out my lighter and prepare to light up in a building where I know I'm not even supposed to be doing this, cause I just _need_ it so badly and right no-

"Grimm, don't smoke."

I almost drop the lighter and it burns at my fingertips as I fumble with it.

I look over to see Kurosaki slightly turned to me, still in the same position. He looks at me, almost looking embarrassed that he spoke so suddenly.

I don't smoke often. Hardly at all, really. But Kurosaki, ever since I picked up this 'nasty' habit in the eighth grade, he's made sure that I know about every trivial ass, slight ass consequence that could happen a hundred damn years down the road to my health.

I know about the cancer, the fact that cigarettes contain over four-thousand eight-hundred chemicals, sixty nine of which _cause_ cancer. I know that they are the highest source of morbidity and premature mortality. Yeah they cause stained teeth, heart disease, heart murmurs, wrinkles, premature aging, shortness of breath, 'that goddamn gross as shit cough'. Shit like artherosclerosis and arteriosclerosis, which I don't have a clue of what they are.

Looking at him now, knees drawn up to his chest and forearms resting on said knees, his eyes tell me that even though I haven't lit up in front of him in over three years, that even after all this time he still worries over it, that same shit. Over me…

I can see almost a hundred and one different emotions swirling in his honey brown eyes, and because of the worry, because that one is so prominent, I feel my heart beat pick up a little more, I feel my spirits rise just a little bit.

I bite my lip and put out the cig against the wall.

He nods, I guess in appreciation, I don't know, but then drops his head to his arms, shoulders lifting in another heavy sigh.

"L-listen Grimm." he mumbles into his arms.

I get up without thinking, sitting on the floor with him cause I already know I'm not gonna be able to hear him.

He glances up quickly when he hears me move. I see alarm flash in his eyes and it still hurts to see him look at me like that. He relaxes a little and sighs again, turning to look straight ahead.

"Grimm. I - I'm sorry, alright?" He looks to me out of the corner of his eyes but I wait for him to finish, even though I know he has nothing to be sorry for.

"I know I've been, uh, not around or whatever. And I know you think I'm avoiding you and shit. I'm not. I'm-" He stops and runs a hand through his hair, knocking his hood back in the process, and glances towards me again, eyes staying on me this time.

"I- I'm avoiding what happened."

I nod. Cause I understand. I understand what he means, even if he can't say it.

"I don't know if you meant to do that. If it was an accident, or something." he says, his words coming out very slowly, seemingly trying to figure it out himself, hand still raking through his hair. "But it-"

"I meant to."

He stops and looks at me, confused. "Huh?"

Deep breath. "I said I meant to. As in, kiss you."

His brows furrow just a little more and now _he _inhales sharply.

"Okay." he says, just as slowly. "Why?"

Deep breath. "Well, because I wanted to."

He nods to himself.

"Alright." Again, just as slow. "Why?

I feel a smirk come to my face before I can stop it. He's, well, he's cute, for lack of a better word. There really is no other word to describe him right now. I see him processing what I'm saying and I see him wanting to freak out over it, but he's not. He won't look at me now, but that's fine. I want to be as blunt and honest as I can be, which ain't a problem for me. I don't want to scare him, but I want him to know how I feel. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of keeping it to myself. I want him to accept it, even if he can't reciprocate. I won't be that fucked up over it if he _never_ reciprocates. I just want him to understand. To understand what it is to me. Cause, these feeling, they're not going anywhere.

I wait till he turns to look at me again to say it, what's been on my chest for the better part of seven years.

"I guess I kind of, uh, like you."

He's quiet, and confused. I can see it. "You know, in _that_ way." I clarify.

It takes a second, but I think he's got it now. His eyebrows raise up in his hair and he opens his mouth, as if to speak, maybe refute what I just said. I can see him wanting to flip out, I can literally _see_ the want, but _I_ want so hard for him to be okay with it, with _me, _that it kind of shocks me.

I, I hadn't realized how strongly this- this shit had gotten. I hadn't realized how far I'd fallen until here, until right now.

I wait till I'm sure he's not finna spaz out on me, but I turn my head. I can't look at him. He's still staring at me like I am certified insane. It makes me uncomfortable. Puts this weird ass feeling of hurt, anger, depression, doubt and fear in the back of my chest

I purse my lips and scowl off to the side. It's hard to swallow.

"So, um, how do you feel about that?"

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**_A/N:_** Thanks for the reviews, favs and alerts.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach

* * *

"W-wait a minute. _What_?"

He looks over to me finally, a blank expression on his face, and shrugs. He shifts and rifles around in his pocket, pulling out the pack of cigs again. I scowl, readying myself to smack the pack away from him if I have to, but he just sticks one in his mouth, unlit, and chews on the end.

"I said," Pause, clear throat. "How do you feel about that? Y'know, me liking you and shit."

"…." I clamp up

I don't know why this is so hard for me; why it's so difficult to grasp, but…

_What _is_ this?_

My thought process is real slow right now and I feel hella retarded, but seriously… _what_?

I scratch my head and stare at him. He stares back, looking like he's about to go on the defensive. The sky-blue eyes that were guarded and weary not three minutes ago narrow in annoyance. But had I noticed before, how they flash so brightly when he's ticked off?

He's patient (for the most part) as I try to wrap my head around this, what he's saying; take it back to what happened in that playground under the monkey bars, and what that moment meant.

Honestly, I don't know how to feel.

Weirded out?

Curious and confused?

Disgusted?

None of that is what it is.

I mean, I _am_ kinda weirded out. Not as much as you'd think I'd be, though. And I _am_ curious as to where this came from, this whole confession. Confused too. But that's towards the middle of my list of feelings. These things, and disgust; they hardly register.

Really.

There's this thing bubbling up in my chest. This palpable _thing_. This _feeling_; a kind of tangible _something _building up. Something that I really don't know what it is. Don't even think I _want_ to know, but I…

It's - I… I...

Shit.

I run a hand through my hair and drop it.

"So-"

My voice is croaky and shaky. I try again.

"So, you… like me. As in, like me. Like, boy and girl like?"

I sound like an idiot.

He leans back into the wall, head back, and looks over to me out of his peripheral, a kind of sneer crossing his mouth as he pulls the cigarette from it.

"I'm no girl Kurosaki. And as much as you act like one, neither are you." He pauses, clearing his throat again and glancing away from me. "They… ain't my taste."

As this insanely and horribly awkward conversation persist, a conversation more awkward and uncomfortable than any one I've _ever_ had the displeasure of being part of, I just get more and more, well, shocked. Fucking flabbergasted, even.

I shake my head but can hardly clear it. I look over at him again. He just sits there staring off into something in front of him, long legs stretched directly forward and arms on either side. His face though; looking at the side of it, he looks just as uncomfortable as I feel, as _I _probably look, and suddenly, because of that, I get it. It must be something in his pose; something in the set of his jaw. Maybe it's something in his eyes, but, I fucking get it. He's _for real._

"Holy shit. You're serious, aren't you?"

He's still facing forward, away from me with his head leaned back against the wall, but I can see that he smiles; relaxes more. He smiles, all strained and stiff, but a smile nonetheless; and even though I can't see it fully, though it's not even really directed _at_ me, it makes my heartbeat pick up. Makes my skin flush with an almost concrete and touchable heat.

He turns to me now, still smiling, and for what, the third time now, it renders me a little breathless.

"Yeah, I'm serious. Serious as your obvious mental disability."

I stare at him blankly, too shaken to notice or even care that he challenged my mental state. And I've got to literally peel my eyes away from his face so that I can think. It takes me a minute so I stand, feeling like I need to be standing. I sigh and run a shaky hand through my hair. "Listen Grimmjow. I'm just - I'm not like that, alright?"

"Y'know, sometimes I don't know about that."

I stop. His response clams me up. The way he said it, he believes what he said. He sounded sure. I look down at his still seated form and can see that he _is_ sure of it. My throat dries up and I don't know what to say. Everything that comes out of my mouth feels like a denial anyways.

"Listen. I don't give a fuck if you are or aren't." he says, getting up and standing with me, looking me dead on in the eyes and seemingly kind of embarrassed, something Grimm very rarely ever is. He grabs at the back of his neck and fidgets and that makes it even more real to me. That _this_ is real. He clears his throat again, something I've noticed he's done so much today, and continues.

"I mean, we're - we're friends, yeah? And, well I truthfully… don't want that to end. But…" hand still planted on his neck, he glances down then up again, a smirk playing along the corners of his mouth with blue eyes just so intense. "But I think you should make doubly sure you aren't" Before I can fully grasp what the hell he just said and get any of the implications behind those words, he grabs my face and smashes his lips to mine.

For the second time in the span of a week and a half Grimmjow has surprised the movement right out of me. I literally freeze up and stand stock still in the middle of his embrace. My thought process halts. I can't move, can hardly breathe. I'm… fucking speechless. Incredulous, that he just… did this again, and when I just told him I'm not like that! That he just totally disregarded everything I just said. It _is _Grimmjow though, and I really shouldn't be so damn surprised with anything he does, but… but _shit_ it pisses me off. That he never goddamn _listens_!

I'm seriously fucking about to start fuming. I raise my arms to shove him in the shoulders as hard as I can and give him the beating of a life time, to literally beat it in to him that I do not want this, _never_ wanted this_,_ _will_ _never _want this, cause I'm goddamn not fucking _like_ that, but I stop short. My blazing eyes focus just as my hands rest on his shoulders to push, focus on the face that is practically plastered to mine, and… and it's weird you know, cause like that, just like that, I can't do it.

I can't do it. And not more than four seconds ago I was ready to pound him into the ground and force him to leave me the fuck alone, to shut up about this, to just _stop, _but I can't do it now. I can't push him, can't punch him; I don't even think I want to anymore. Looking at his face pressed so close to mine, just the half that I can see; it surprises me how just looking at him, just that alone was enough to cause me to… stop.

As riled as I was no more than eight seconds ago, I… I just…. I dunno. Looking at him did something to me. It must have. My eyes un-narrow and my anger all but fizzes away. And in the next instant, I realize I can't _stop_ looking at him.

Grimmjow's eyes are closed and his brows are ever so slightly furrowed as his lips are still pressed and moving firmly against my unmoving ones; he emits concentration. It makes me flush and has my heart pounding, that look on his face. The fact that he's concentrating so hard on me, _this._ His hands still rest on either side of my face; it sends jolts throughout my body.

He doesn't pull the dominance thing that so many people try upon contact. The kiss isn't forceful. It's not commanding or, or oppressive; not at all. It's contradicting to the major parts of what makes Grimm Grimm. I know he's not always overbearing, loud, rough and coarse. I've seen the other shit there is to him, the softer more sensitive side. Even if it's like once in a blue fucking moon that I do see. But it's there, and surprisingly it's here, in this kiss. The soft yet still firm and steady, slow and seriously weirdly gentle and sweet kiss. My breath hitches from it. And I can't help the fact that I melt a little.

Slowly, uncertainly, and I really don't know why, but my hand on his shoulder, meant to push him away, lifts and slides up to the side of his neck. He flinches and shudders slightly, like he _expected_ me to hit him, and considering my reaction to this, his kiss, last time, he probably did. I paused at his jump but his skin is so warm underneath my hand, almost feverish. I slip my hand up a little higher, thumb brushing at his earlobe and index finger ghosting along the fine hairs on the back of his neck. He shudders again and stills beneath my touch and I freeze too, wondering why I did that, why I touched him, if maybe I shouldn't have cause he's so still now. And in the back of my mind, I wonder when it was that I started to _not_ want him to be still. I wonder if he'll start again, start kissing me as slow, careful and steady as he'd been doing. My heart is loud in my ears and climbing up my throat and we're both so unmoving that I _wish_ he would start again, so that maybe I can breathe, and get a taste of him this time. Cause I- cause I know now that I would probably kiss him back. Would _definitely_ kiss him back.

I don't know what has changed from the moment he touched me and the twenty-two seconds his lips have been pressed to mine. I don't know what it is, but I… I guess I don't give a damn anymore. Cause I can't fucking fight it. His lips on mine turn my legs to jelly. Lights my skin on fire. Steals the air from my lungs and turns my insides to mush. So really, how can I disregard shit like that? How can I ignore signs like those? The way my body reacts, it means something. It's got to. And what my brain is telling me, what my heart is saying (has _been_ saying)… though I never fucking wanted to hear it or acknowledge it, it's just too loud now. I can't _fight_ it. Not anymore.

So acting out on impulse, just as I could feel Grimmjow's stiff form about to pull away, I grip his shoulder tighter. And the hand cupping the back of his neck pulls forward, forcing his parting lips more firmly to mine.

He's still stiff, unmoving and unyielding, but I feel better now. I feel good; I feel great. Allowing this to happen, just letting go, have it take us where it will; I just can't believe how fucking _good_ it feels. Even if I subconsciously know I'll freak out over this later, even if I know I'll have second thoughts about what I allowed to happen - what I _did_, here, in this stairwell - I can't take back the fact that I want this. And if I'm totally honest with myself, I've wanted him to kiss me ever since that day under the monkey bars where I first felt his lips.

My lips mold with his almost hungrily, boldly, just desperate to feel his mold back. Cause ever since I made the second move, ever since _I_ kissed _him_, he's been so fucking still. And I don't understand.

"C'mon" I murmur against his lips.

"I want this now." I say.

Cause I'm not "not like that". I _am_ "like that".

And just as I was about to take his bottom lip in between mine and tug, to get some sort of response out of him, he grips my upper arms and gives a little shove.

My eyes fly open as I stumble back into the stair railing. I scowl, about ready to shove him back when I look at his face.

His eyes, they're unfathomable. And his mouth; pulled into a tight and bitter kind of smile sort of sneer.

I swear to god I'm more confused now than I was at the beginning of this whole fucking talk. His attitude, the 180 it took. I don't get it. I. Do not. Understa-

"You don't have to pretend Kurosaki. You make me feel pathetic."

To say the least, I'm taken aback. "Huh? What are you on? Pretend about what?"

"You know what." he says, and so tiredly too. He takes another step back from me and runs a hand through his incredibly blue hair.

"Not a week ago you punched me out for what I did today." he says, voice still kind of weary but getting louder.

"Not just an hour ago you were still tryna run from me." Little louder still.

"And not ten fucking minutes ago you said, and I quote, 'I'm not like that'." His air quotes are almost vicious and he's practically yelling now. I take a step back.

"What gives Kurosaki?" he asks, looking at me with almost sad eyes but with a contradictingly angry voice. "You pitying me? Poor Grimmjow with the fucked up feelings." he says, voice mocking and scathing. "I know it's gross and unnatural, but maybe I'll pretend just this once for him. Pretend that I'm not so disgusted by this, cause, well, Grimmjow _is_ my best friend, so maybe I could do that for him. Maybe I'll pretend and let-"

"Shut up Grimm. That's stupid and you know I wouldn't do that." I interrupt, stopping myself from blurting out that what he said is not even true, that I think I _am_ "like that", most likely am "like that"…

And I don't want to hear anymore of what he's saying, either. Cause oddly enough, hearing him talk like that, it kind of hurts me. Makes my throat tighten up unexpectedly. I don't like that he'd thought I'd do that to him. That I'd be disgusted, pitying and petty.

He doesn't shut up though. He doesn't stop and how he's looking at me makes me feel more and more like shit.

"Fuck you, Kurosaki. I won't shut up! I want to know why you said 'now'!" he yells, eyes bright and almost wild.

I don't know what to say. I feel like I have never known what to say concerning this. He looks like he wants to keep yelling at me, about this, but he stops himself and takes a deep breath.

I wait for him, and still don't speak. Still too unsure of what to say and worried I'll say the wrong thing, again. So… I wait. Still feeling like an ass, still feeling like shit.

It's another minute before he says anything.

"You said, 'I want this now'," He's calmer, quieter. "Why now?" He looks off to the side, won't meet my eyes. "What's different? What's changed?"

What he just said, it makes me understand. I get it now, why he shoved me away from him and why he looked so… strange after our lips parted. And though I know he's trying, trying really hard to hide it, he looks vulnerable. Like really. I've never seen him look like this.

I sigh and grip my head in my hands. Something in me tells me its now or never. Like, if I don't say what I know I have to say, I may never end up doing. And that if I don't say it now, I may end up loosing the best friend I've ever had. So with my heart in my throat and it pounding away like crazy, I try and formulate the words I know he should hear.

"Grimm, it's - it's not just 'now', okay?" I say in a soft voice.

"It's actually…" I turn and pace a bit, not looking at him as I talk. "It's been a while. I can't tell you how long and I can't pinpoint it to any specific time… but, it's hard, alright?" I run an anxious hand through my hair and pace a bit more quickly, nervous for what I'm about to say.

"It's hard." I repeat. "It's downright fucking difficult to admit you could possibly like a guy, when you're a guy!" I almost choke on the words but I feel like now that I've started, I can't stop. "And… and honestly, I never considered it '_like'_. I never put words like _like_ or _attracted_ together with… with you." I stutter and blush, never once looking over at him. "I didn't because, well, you're my best friend. We're close and I thought maybe it was normal; normal to feel whatever it is I feel when I'm… with you. Y'know, seeing as how close you and me are. I thought - I thought it was okay. And then I thought that if I didn't think too much on it, those thoughts or feelings, that it'd be fine. Maybe they'd go away, I thought. It's just, they didn't. They _don't_."

I continue to pace. My legs can't seem to keep still.

"But - just - _fuck_. I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry you felt like I was bullshitting you, pitying you and shit. I _hate_ that you felt like that, even for the few minutes that you did. It's just - I know this is cowardly… but knowing that you feel the way you feel, I guess it made me realize how _I_ actually feel." I glance up into blue eyes so intent and blazing and get the courage to almost say it.

"It made me realize that maybe I don't have to keep kidding myself. Cause, with you, I guess maybe I _am_ 'like that'."

I bite my lip and look away again. I can't look at him. He's so silent that I'm _afraid_ to look over at him. And his silence, it gives me this irresistible urge to keep talking. Just anything so that the silence isn't so ear grating. Anything so that his lack of response isn't so deafening…

"I - what I'm trying to say is…. the way you say you feel about me, it's… how I feel about you, too."

I like you.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to say it. I don't know why it is that he could but I can't. But it's true. Holy shit, it's true. Even if I can't full-on say the damn words out loud, what I just said doesn't make it any less real.

The butterflies I feel in my stomach seriously feel like they're gonna erupt from my throat, but I steel myself and finally allow my eyes to rest on him.

The way his eyes bore into me makes the swarming in my stomach worse. They're so blue, so deep, so affecting, yet I can hardly tell with what. He looks surprised, but only slightly. Not as much as I should think he would be. I can only tell by the slight lift to his brows and the barely noticeable quirk to his lips. But it's so odd how unreadable he is. How quiet he is. How un-Grimmjow like he's being.

Shit I wish I knew what he's thinking.

The way he's so fixedly looking at me, it makes me feel all mixed up. Annoyed, apprehensive and nervous, sick; almost hot and bothered.

I can't take it.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, when his expression finally cracks. And into something so… different from before. So different, but he looks happy. His face breaks out into a small smile, and he looks almost embarrassed. He glances down to his feet then back up again, and I can actually feel the wings of those butterflies on the back of my tongue. That almost shy and at the same time, embarrassed smile; the tinged cheeks; how utterly fucking different he looks from any other time he's ever looked at me. So different that I actually have to tell myself to breathe… again.

"No bullshit, Kurosaki?" he asks while I try to get the air back from that look that literally knocked it from my lungs.

Breathe.

I know what he's asking, and what I said is what I meant. I feel damned embarrassed too, but I smile back. I can't help it.

"No. No bullshit, Grimm."

* * *

What I told Kurosaki was bullshit.

I know why I tried to kiss him just now.

He'd asked me why I'd wanted to kiss him again after a while, when it was clear from what I said before that I thought he didn't feel the same as me. That he… didn't like me the way I do him.

He was right, of course. His reactions to what I'd been saying, to my confession; I was fairly fucking sure he didn't feel the way I did. But for some reason those words were spilling from my mouth; those somewhat arrogant words.

"_But I think you should make doubly sure you aren't" _

Honestly, I just wanted to feel his lips one more time. Simple as that.

Even though I told him I wasn't convinced he wasn't "like that"; when I said "Sometimes I'm not so sure about that", I was about eighty-seven percent sure I was wrong. The way I acted, like I was sure of everything I was saying, it was all bravado. I wasn't sure of shit. I just thought if I acted like that, that maybe I could play it off if it backfired. And the only thing I _was_ sure of was that it was going to backfire; me talking like that, me saying shit like that, me kissing him again…

My chest physically _hurt_ from the way he reacted to me saying I like him. The way he was acting, how he was so disbelieving. And I thought for sure he was disgusted with me, with everything I'd said and done. I just thought he was good at hiding it. That maybe he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Kurosaki's always been a sensitive little prick. But then it was weird. Something in me was like 'fuck it', and I kissed him again.

So I know why I _wanted_ to do it. What I don't know is why I _did_ it.

I don't know why I did what I did. Why I kissed him again, even after he blatantly told me he's "not like that". I don't know why I did it, I honestly don't. It was stupid. Seriously fucking stupid. I could have really blew it. Could have ruined _any_ chance I had of getting our friendship back to where it was.

Really, I'm a goddamn idiot.

I stuff my hands deeper in my pockets, suppressing a shiver. It's cold out here. The rain is beating down hard and the wind is actually fucking howling.

We just left out of the math hall and into a damn storm. Kurosaki said he was hungry and wanted to catch the caf while it was still open. Then I remembered that I was fucking starving, too, bout an hour ago, before all this emotional drama and shit.

I look over to Kurosaki on my right and catch his eye, and I wonder how long he's been looking at me. His hair is plastered to his forehead and the water from it slides down his face; drips from the tip of his red nose. His amber brown eyes are so bright as his face breaks out in a wide smile. A happy smile. So just fucking… beautiful that I almost stop dead in my tracks. I have to literally tell myself to keep walking.

But I grin back at him like an idiot. Some sappy, lovesick idiot. And maybe I am? So what if I am?

I throw a playful arm over his shoulders and neck, pulling him in close in a brief head-lock. He curses me and shoves me a little, but not enough for my arm to slip from around him entirely. After another second or two his own arm comes up and rests along the back of my neck and shoulders, too. The way mine is on him. And from that, that insignificant and innocent touch, my heart skips a beat. I have to tell myself to _breathe._

I still think it was stupid, me kissing him.

But -I glance to Kurosaki and see his flushed cheeks in my peripheral- I'm glad I'm a fucking idiot sometimes.

* * *

_**A/N: ** _Well, this is where I originally ended this story when I first posted it. The ending still feels right to me. But since re-posting each chapter I've got a hankering (heh) to continue. There really may not be a whole lot of a plot, but I want to delve deeper into their budding relationship, I guess, in future chapters.

Anyways, thanks for the thoughts, favs and alerts!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

* * *

Eggs, hash browns, sausage, French toast and bacon- thank fuck for the bacon.

Me and Kurosaki, we're two of like ten people left in the caf. And everyone else looks relatively dry…

It was raining pretty heavily on our way over, but about halfway here it started seriously pouring, like bathtub loads. It was fucking insane.

I look across from me. Kurosaki's brown hoodie looks black now, so soaked with water. His hair is still plastered to his forehead. It drips onto his pancakes.

"You're wetting up your food."

He glances up to my face, then back down to his plate. "S'okay." he says. And I dunno if my eyes were fucking up, if it was a trick of the lighting or something, but it was like everything slowed down a little as he

smoothing it away from his forehead, slicking that hair back from his face. And even though I'm soaked through and through, my mouth goes completely dry.

"See? No more drip-age," he says, grinning at me, like he didn't just totally try to seduce me, the fucker.

"Tch. Yeah, I guess."

I pull my eyes away from him, his smoothed back wet hair, and that grin that has my heart stuttering a little. And when I say pull, I really have to _pull_ my gaze from him. I shovel eggs into my mouth like some starved fat kid, a distraction, and blink unseeingly at the fruit bar across the room.

We eat in silence for another couple minutes, but it's not like the silences me and Kurosaki normally share. There's nothing we're _sharing _about this one, actually, and it ain't relaxed like usual, gradually getting worse and worse. It makes me shifty and uncomfortable, and I can feel the anxiousness slowly coming from Kurosaki, like it's seeping from his pores. And I swear as each minute crawls by, the silence becomes more and more stifling. It - it literally _thickens_, till I almost can't breathe from the tension and discomfiture.

I'm scowling at that fruit bar now, about to snap at Kurosaki for being weird and awkward and shit, but he speaks up before me.

"Hey, Grimm. So, when did you… y'know-"

Kurosaki's voice is hesitant as he stops in the middle of his sentence. I sigh internally as the tension in the air kind of snaps and disappears all at once; I _knew_ this shit was coming. I've been thinking about it since we walked outta the math hall; trying to keep it in the back of my mind. The questions, the wonderings , the _talk_. About what just happened, where it came from_. _I knew. It was fucking. Coming.

I stuff the last piece of bacon in my mouth and avert my gaze from the fruit to _my_ fruit, almost grinning at that thought.

"What's on your mind, Kurosaki?" I question, raising a brow at his pensive looking face. Though I'm annoyed, I try and keep my voice light, cause I know that what he did back there, back there in that stairwell, was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do. I get it. I do. It's not easy. Not at _all_ easy to admit to liking a guy when you've spent your whole fucking life thinking you were straight.

I can't pretend to understand what kind of weird shit Kurosaki has to sort out in his head. I won't admit to understanding. See, with me, I just had to really, I guess, proclaim what I've felt since I was twelve, and what I've admitted to myself since I was fourteen. But with Kurosaki, he had to… just figure it out, and then say it, like, right then. It's like he had to put two and twenty and feelings that he didn't even understand or _want_ to understand together, getting something so large and outrageous, but something that I guess just felt _right _to him.

So, for him, I can be patient. I'll check my infamous attitude. I'll make him as comfortable as he can be, what with his new-found, uh, self-awareness. I won't even call him a dumbass if he asks me some stupid shit question. Cause I guess, if it were me, I'd want him to be, ugh, _sensitive_, to the situation.

Feeling like less than myself I give him my full attention, encouraging him with a prompting head nod. He frowns softly, then fixes me with an intense look.

"I guess, well, what I wanna ask is- how did you know?"

I sigh to myself but nod and run a hand back through my hair. How did I know? A legitimate question, I do know how to answer it, but I think he could figure _that_ one out.

"Well, how did _you _know?"

Kurosaki blinks in surprise. He gives me another of those pensive stares, but then looks off to the side as a small smirk plays at his lips.

"Heh, guess it was just a whole lot of shit that I couldn't keep pretending to not notice, or feel. When I thought about it without freaking out, like, with a completely open mind, it kinda just… made sense, you know? Felt _right_."

He looks back at me with the signs of a tale-tell blush growing at his cheeks. I grin, wide and more like a baring of teeth, but it has it's desired affect.

"Oh yeah, I know."

He blushes harder and it's all I can do not to bit my lip at the look on his face. He looks away and I pop an entire French toast stick in my mouth, to distract myself, cause what he said - it honestly has my heart racing. And Kurosaki looks damn good with a blush. Don't wanna look like too much of some love struck chick, grinning like an idiot.

Silence passes for another two minutes when Kurosaki turns to me again. His blush is gone.

"Hey, so, how long have you known? How long have you… liked me?"

Now I'm the one looking away. I knew this particular question would come up sooner or later, and I dreaded it. I fight the urge to scowl, cause - cause I've always felt like a pathetic bitch… liking the same person for fucking seven years. Especially when they never paid me any mind, in _that_ way; when they never knew that I had such feelings in the first place. I purse my lips, really not liking what I'm gonna say but saying it anyways. I want to be truthful.

"The first time I saw you," I blurt out. I stare down at my plate, the eggs and hash browns blending together till they're one single mass of yellow-brown. "You remember, right? That fight? I liked you since that day."

Kurosaki's following silence _annoys_ me. I really do scowl now, unleash the full power of my glare, not giving a damn about trying to be _sensitive_ and shit, cause that piece of information quite frankly embarrasses me, makes me feel like some female, stuck on some guy and unable to move on.

I look up and narrow my eyes on Kurosaki and his stupefied looking face.

"That long?" Those are his only words. I sneer.

"Yeah, that long," I spit out. "So fucking what?"

He blinks at my voice, opening his mouth to say something, but then his face softens.

"Look, Grimm, I didn't mean - I mean, I'm just… surprised. I - I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me before?" His eyes bore into mine so intensely before they drop onto the table. "Hell, I thought I knew you so well."

The last he says in such a quiet voice that I hardly hear him, and I purse my lips again as I frown at the words he just said.

I didn't tell him cause I didn't want to lose the friendship. I'd freak him out. I didn't want that. Didn't want him to run from me or how I felt. I figured it'd just be easier if he didn't know. I'd hide my feelings and he wouldn't have to be uncomfortable around me. We could be how we'd always been, just friends. Shit, it was better than nothing and I was okay with it.

"It's kind of a big thing, you hiding the fact that you're gay from me since sixth grade."

I look back up to see him still staring at the table.

"I didn't know I was gay in the sixth grade. Figured it out in eighth," I mutter back flatly.

He glances up finally, looking at me sorta sideways.

"But I thought you said-"

"I know what I said," I sigh, wiping a hand down my face. "I've liked you since the sixth, but I didn't really figure it out till eighth. When I like, thought about it without freaking out, with a completely open mind, it made sense, felt right, you know?"

He looks at me a second more then turns his head, letting out a short laugh.

"Yeah, I know."

"And you know why I never told you. At least you should."

He nods slowly, down at the table. "Yeah, guess I do."

His eyes go back up again after a moment, looking less upset, and I feel the unease in my heart ease up. It'd be shitty to have him pissed at me now, especially considering…

He fixes me with that boyish smile of his, the one that's a pretty big part of the reason why I feel the way I do for him. I look off to the side and away from him, my own lips growing into a smile.

* * *

We left the caf a little while later. The walk back to the dorms was silent, but unlike the one back there at the table, this one is full of that something that we normally share in our silences. Something more than camaraderie, it's a little deeper than that. And today, there's something more to it still. An understanding, I guess. Cause this morning, after everything that's gone down, I've never felt more close to him.

It was drizzling on the walk to the dorms, so what little drying we did while we ate was for fucking no reason.

While we were still in the caf, Kurosaki had asked me what we should do, about us. I could feel other questions lurking behind that one: Should we be an item, like, together? _Are_ we together? Do we let the others know? How do we up and announce we're gay, the both of us, and that we pretty much want each other?

I could answer those questions, most of them. What about Kurosaki, though? I didn't think he was ready, to full-on accept it. I mean, I know he has, but I honestly don't think he's thought about anything beyond the surface, beyond his feelings. He's not ready to be out. I don't know if I am either…

But, Kurosaki, as we were leaving, he'd stopped me as we gathered our trays and looked me in the eyes, those brown eyes so earnest and sincere and penetrating, and started speaking in hushed tones.

"Grimmjow, I like you, alright? I- I'm not afraid to say it now. I like you, and it's kind of bad, kind of strong. I just - I mean. I know how you feel, you know how I feel; so where do we go from here?" His hold on my gaze was so powerful, searching my face; I could see them moving back and forth, his eyes, quick, but the tiniest bit. "What do we do?" he whispered

I fought with everything I had in me not to grab him at the back of the neck and kiss him long and hard, afterwards proclaiming, 'that's what the fuck we do!'.

I didn't have an answer

Not a real one, anyways.

So I just gave him a smile and told him we'd talk later, shortly telling him we probably shouldn't let anyone know, not yet. His look was unsatisfied, but he nodded.

o0o0o0o0o

Now, we stand outside my unlocked door, both probably wondering about how to say bye. Wondering if a bye is even necessary, since we'll see each other in our evening physics class. I know I am, at least.

"So, I uh- I'll see you?" he asks after a vaguely awkward minute. And the fact that he asks - the fact that I was just wondering if I should, and the way he sounded shy, has me more annoyed than anything.

"Um, yeah you will."

He scowls at my tone and I laugh a little at the look on his face, feeling less awkward with the situation, since there's familiarity to it now; me laughing at something dumb he's said. He only frowns harder and lowers his head, thrusting his hands deep into his pants pockets, muttering underneath his voice about 'irritating smartass assholes'.

He turns from me after a second, heading his way down the hall, sighing out a quiet 'later'. Hesitating only a second or two more, I call out to his retreating back and slouched form.

"Oi, Kurosaki. C'mere."

His shoulders lift in a silent, heavy breath.

"What now, Grimm?" He glances over his shoulder and I start forward, spinning him around once I reach him.

"What're-?"

"Shut up a sec." I kind of growl out. I look down into confused and slightly narrowed brown eyes, then look over his shoulder to see the hall still empty.

I bite my lip and let my hands slide from his shoulders, sliding down his biceps and against his still wet hoodie, stopping there. Our eyes connect again and I slip my hands around his waist and pull him close.

It's a cold and squishy and uncomfortable hug, but it's not unpleasant. I shiver and I feel that he does and I realize just how fucking _pleasant_ it actually is. To have him so close to me. To touch him, hold him; not worry about him knowing how I feel. To know how he feels _back_. Fuck it, it's more than pleasant. Downright fucking exhilarating.

His arms raise and wrap around my body, across my upper arms, gripping the back of my jacket and holding me tighter than my hold on him. I melt into him a little, rest more of my weight into the embrace. I can feel the warmth from his face and the blush that I just _know_ is there. I lean into it, the side of my face against his, turning it just slightly, enough to brush my lips against his temple. He sucks in a harsh breath and shudders again.

The creak of an opening door has us breaking apart, jumping back from each other as if shocked. Two guys I don't know leave a room further down the hall near Kurosakis'. They don't even glance our way as they round the corner and I huff at the interruption. "Ah, fuckin' a."

I look back over to brown eyes, unsurprised to see a bright blush covering his cheeks. I am surprised, though, to see the wide grin on his face. My face slowly mirrors his.

"Alright. Well, later Grimm." he says, briefly grabbing at the back of his neck, something I've noticed he does whenever he's feeling a little awkward, a little weird or uncomfortable.

"See ya."

I fumble with the keys in my pocket, belatedly remembering that my door is already unlocked. I grab at the doorknob when my thoughts briefly go back to how Kurosaki looked after I'd let him go, smiling broadly, but still looking vaguely uncomfortable as he gripped the back of his neck.

I shout out to his back.

"It' weird for me, too, Kurosaki!"

He turns, continuing down the hall walking backwards, a growing smirk on his face.

"Yeah, well, get over it."

I scoff as I look away and open my door.

"That's my line."

o0o0o0o0o

"Fuck! Where're my towels?"

"Apparently not where they should be."

I sneer at the pile of laundry in front of me, thrown haphazardly around the open closet space. Honestly, I don't know what's clean and what's not, but I do know that what I'm looking for ain't where I'd thought they'd be.

No towels. None. And I'm still fucking _wet_.

"Oi, Ulquiorra. Let me borrow a-"

"No."

I huff in annoyance. It was worth a shot- but maybe it kinda wasn't, since I pretty much knew the bastard'd say no.

Shrugging, I pull a shirt from the load of clothes and just use that, draping it over my head and rubbing vigorously to dry my hair.

I change out of my wet clothes, throwing on a pair of basketball shorts and some random tee from my pile of clean-maybe-dirty shit. I toss my damp stuff over a chair.

My next class isn't till 3:00 p.m.; I've got hours to sleep, and of course, fuck my luck, I can't. But, thing is, I'm not even mad about it.

I sigh to myself and settle deeper into the bed sheets. I feel like some freaking loser girl, having my thoughts travel over Kurosaki, over and over, but I goddamn can't help it.

* * *

"Ichigo. You're normally back before now."

I close the door behind me and hear Renji's muttered words coming from underneath his blankets and comforter. The only part of him visible is his red pony and the top part of his face, tribal tats showing up starkly against the white and red bedspread.

"Yeah, went to go grab some breakfast with Grimm."

"Oh, ya'll talking again?"

Unbidden, images, even the _feeling, _of Grimmjow's soft kiss in the stairwell cross my mind. The tender hug in the hallway too, the sensation I got when I felt his lips graze against my temple. I shudder again, this time alone and not locked in Grimm's strong arms.

I feel an intense, almost dizzying blush heat up my face. I'm eternally grateful that Renji is half sleep and too almost dead to the world to notice.

"Yeah."

My voice comes out breathy and I try again.

"Yeah, we're talking."

"S'great, man," His sleepy words come out muffled once more. "Was weird, y'know, you guys fighting like that. An' awkward as shit being around you two, cause you'd just up and leave, and Grimmjow'd get pissed and start biting everyone in the vicinities head off."

"Is that right?" I ask, fighting a smile and a laugh.

"Yeah."

There's silence after Renji's last word and I realize I'm still wearing the wet clothes, a mini puddle even forming under my feet.

I peel off my soaked stuff quickly, redress in dry sweats and a t-shirt, and dive under my covers.

Grimmjow, Shuhei, Renji and I are the only ones of our group with classes in the ass-crack of dawn. We usually catch a nap before our next. I glance at Renji's alarm clock. It's only 10:14, don't have to get up again till almost 1pm. I marvel at how it's only been about two or so hours, that I've gone through so much crap with Grimm in those few hours.

"Hey, Ichigo," Renji's voice carries a little clearer from under his covers, since I'm closer now. The beds in the dorms sit about two feet across from each other. Rooms are small as fuck.

"What?"

"What was that about this morning? Grimmjow grabbing you like that and storming off? You guys throw punches and make-up? S'that how it happened?" There's a laugh to his voice and he chuckles a little.

I pull the covers over my head, hiding another goddamn blush.

"No, that's not how it happened," I mumble, loud enough for him to hear. "He asked for my physics homework, and forgave him after that…"

Renji scoffs. "Always had a soft spot for that punk." I hear him roll over and he's probably gone back to sleep.

I sigh and close my eyes, thinking about Renji's words.

I know I've always had a soft spot for him.

* * *

**A/N:** I know it ends kinda awkwardly... I don't know, just couldn't fix it to where I liked it.

Anyways, thank you to those who've read, reviewed, favorited and alerted my story. I appreciate the support!


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